How to Support Your Athlete to Win in Sports and in Life by Lizl Kotz
I have learned so much by watching the range in sports parents as a junior athlete and now as the parent of my own athletes. I have memories of my own dad reading the paper during my matches and asking me who the winner was after the match was over and then again my rival’s mother, who would stand with her face pressed against the fence in hopes to intimidate me.
I have encouraged all four of my children to find a skill they enjoy and then to spend time developing that skill. As my children continue to search for their various areas of interest, I have tried to support them in a way that is unique to their personality. I have seen that many things have to come together for a young athlete to excel but once I had my own young athletes, I experienced this firsthand. I have had to make peace with the fact that my most talented athlete may have no interest in being the best and there is no way to change that. Alternatively, my child who has a great work ethic and focus may not have the skill needed to excel. As parents, we have to continually step back and remember that the value in sport is not dependent on the level reached but in the lessons learned along the way. Lessons that will last a lifetime.
It is important to consider the statistics regarding high school athletes and scholarships. 2% Of athletes play sports at NCAA div I schools. 15% Of those college athletes walk away from their sport by their sophomore year. Less than 2% of college athletes turn pro and earn a living with their sport. From these statistics, we can see that only a small fraction of athletes will ever make a living pursuing their sport beyond college or even put themselves through college.
Andre Agassi was a tennis prodigy and grew up to be very successful in the ’90s. He was ranked #1 in the world and won 8 grand slams. His father was an Iranian Olympic boxer. In his book, Open, Agassi talks a lot about his battle with perfectionism and how much he hated tennis and his father at times. He also mentions feeling trapped. His life was literally planned out for him by his father and his coaches and he didn’t have a say in it. When he tried to walk away from tennis he realized that he didn’t have the education to be anything but a tennis player. He couldn’t get away from the thing he hated most. Even though Emmanual Agassi is an extreme example of a bad sports parent, I believe there is much of this out there in different degrees. Agassi looked so happy in many of the pictures of him as an athlete but he was in fact miserable most of the time. He was just one athlete who was able and willing to put into words what many young athletes feel.
The top 10 things good sports parents get right:
1.They tell their athlete often: “I love to watch you compete. Period. There is no ‘but’ or ‘especially’ in this statement. It simply is: I love to watch you play.
2. They teach their athlete to always win for themselves. Maybe win for a teammate but never allow impressing others to motivate your win.
3. They take the time to process any sports-related disappointments they may have experienced as a youth, and make a conscious decision to not live vicariously through their child. Mike Matheny (former professional baseball player and manager of the Kansas City Royals) said the following before volunteering to coach little league baseball: “I always said I would coach only a team of orphans. Why? Because the biggest problem in youth sports is parents.” It should be all about the athlete.
4. They reassure their athlete over and over that they love them just the same regardless of their result. Humans have a very strong desire to feel loved and validated. I bet most of us adults still try to win our parents’ approval even if on a subconscious level. Assure your athlete of your unconditional love. I can almost feel the grief as I read Andre Agassi’s statement about his father:
“I stand and feel an overpowering urge to forgive, because I realize that my father couldn’t help himself any more than he could understand himself. My father was what he was and though he couldn’t tell the difference between loving me and loving tennis, I have to accept it as love all the same.”
5. They happily accept the role of the parent instead of a coach. Essentially this means they happily accept the role of check writer and driver. They get their athlete to their lessons and practices so that their athlete can get the repetition they need to be successful. Clear boundaries between being the parent and not the coach is very important. I interviewed quite a few players who have had very successful, long tennis careers as juniors and they are still involved in their sport in some way. Interestingly, what these athletes have in common is that their parents and coaches played very distinct, separate roles.
6. They don’t make their child feel guilty by reminding them of all the time and money they are sacrificing. I think some parents believe the guilt will motivate their child. All it does is encourage performance anxiety. The pressure these kids feel to unload this guilt by earning a college scholarship for their parents is crushing.
7. They know when to nudge a child who lacks motivation and they know the difference between the nudge and the push. Pushing your athlete will at some point lead to a strained relationship with your child. Let’s face it, some of our athletes may have the talent but not the drive. It can be very frustrating for a parent to see the talent but not the drive and in my experience, that desire to bust your butt every day, is just not something all athletes want to do. People who have a strong drive are born this way. There are ways to sometimes light a spark but only the athlete themself can provide the oxygen needed to keep the flame burning.
8. They practice great self-control by keeping their emotions very neutral. This allows the parent to be that constant, silent support an athlete desperately wants. There are times when my heart is jumping out of my chest for my athlete but I put on that poker face and help my athlete by toning down my emotions.
9. They teach their athlete to take ownership of their sport. As much as is possible, have your athlete keep track of their own schedule, encourage them to set up their own practice matches and lessons and include them when you plan out their tournament schedule. Kids grow in independence when you give them an opportunity to figure it out. Take advantage of the self-reliance sports can teach.
10. They make sure their child develops and maintains a love and a passion for their sport. I work to keep my competitiveness in check for them because I want them to love their sport and stay in it for the long haul. It’s not fair when parents dump their competitiveness on their athlete.
11. They don’t allow their child’s sport to become their (the parent’s) primary identity. When you are spending all of your free time supporting your child in his or her sport it’s tempting to allow their sport to become a part of your identity. I really believe this can create an unhealthy balance and place pressure on your athlete. There is nothing wrong with enjoying the scene and the social circles surrounding your child’s sport, but when your child’s result is defining your mood it is definitely a sign to take a time out. Or when your child does not make the team and your social life is gone, that’s a problem. Your ultimate job is to enjoy watching your child do something they love and the more hands-off you can be, the better.
12. They constantly reassure their athlete to stick with the process. Athletes have to accept losing as part of the process of expanding as an athlete. Remind them often that their job as an athlete is to improve and grow in character over time (not in one day). Agassi reflects: “I think parents and coaches make this mistake all the time with younger people, treating them as finished products when in fact they’re in the process.
13. They play their child’s sport with them in a play kind of way. Go for a run on the beach with them, play a game of football with neighbors, arrange friendly doubles. It’s so valuable to share their sport with your athlete in a zero pressure kind of way. One of my greatest childhood memories is playing sets against my mom. The day I finally beat her 7-6 will be etched in my memory forever. I don’t know who was happier, me or my mom. Another memory is playing hours and hours of driveway tennis with my brother. We were working on our skill and we didn’t even realize it.
14. They encourage their athlete to play multiple sports before the age of twelve. There is longevity in not specializing too soon. Not to mention that different sports teach different life lessons. My son runs cross country, it has taught him how to push through the pain and persevere. He also plays golf which is teaching him how to have emotional control and patience.
15. They understand that athletes peak at different times. I have seen athletes who peak before age twelve in a state of total despair when at age sixteen they are no longer the best in their age group. They feel like a failure and that they are doing something wrong. It is the parent’s job to remind their child to focus on their own journey and not to compare themselves to athletes around them.
16. They praise their kids for trying new things and taking risks. My parents did not praise me heavily for winning but they really praised me whenever I took a risk or tried something new. This has stayed with me and to this day I dream big dreams and take risks. I have learned to be comfortable with the idea that there is always risk involved with opportunity.
17. They give their athlete enough time to process their loss before having “the talk”. Remember, all athletes hate to lose and are hard enough on themselves. If you introduce the why’s, the how’s, the what-did-you-learn too soon after a loss, your child will not be able to receive your feedback. Give them time to process their loss before having that post-match talk.
18. They encourage practice with kids above and below their level. Many parents only want their athlete to play and compete with kids who are stronger. This can be very frustrating for coaches. The system works best when everyone is willing to play above and below their level and it allows your child to work on different skills.
19. They make an effort to understand their child’s temperament. Each child is so unique and it pays off to understand what motivates your child and what makes them feel anxious. Ask your athlete how you can best support them and respect their answer. My son tells me he runs faster when I cheer really loudly and my daughter tells me that it makes her feel anxious when I cheer too loud. I respect their temperament and support them accordingly.
20. They don’t rescue their athlete at every opportunity and they ask their athlete to show respect for the coaches and the referees in their decision making. Ever heard the saying “The coach is the coach and he is right even when he is wrong?” It can be hard to hold back as a parent, but what a safe place for our young people to learn that life is not always fair. Unless your child is being harmed physically or emotionally, I would ask the question: “what is he learning from this difficult experience and back off.